Roxiticus Memoir: The Late Night Philosopher 1995

April 30, 1995 -- 2:30am:

Revelations seem to come when I stay up late at night. Lately I am haunted every night by an unfounded fear of someone breaking into my house. As Nietzsche would say, “For what?” But when I’m alone at night, I’m not exactly rational. I plan my escape through the window.

I stay up late paying bills, wondering whether a mortgage refinance makes sense after only a year in my new house, or whether to get a home equity loan to pay for the new deck and hot tub I have designed and plan to build/install by Memorial Day. I read Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, change the message on my answering machine to a Kierkegaard quote:
“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never.”

Old SK is certainly more uplifting than Nietzsche. According to the editor’s notes on "The Will to Power," Nietzsche read Ibsen but “never got around to reading Kierkegaard.” Their philosophies, in some ways, are similar; yet, at the same time, they are incongruous. Is that what I mean? I mean, you can’t agree with both of them. Then again, do any of these guys who try to deny existence or values or meaning really mean it? If so, why bother?

On Marie Osmond/Dan Seals’ “Meet Me In Montana”:
When I met Cowboy Tommy, it was a time in my life when I was ready to say “I’ve had all of this life I can handle; meet me underneath that big Montana sky.” The song still makes me cry, but, in essence, it glorifies two people running back to each other for security after giving up their career dreams. I was only ready to do that when my career was in the doldrums. I still ache over not being the right woman for Tommy, but I’m glad I didn’t have the opportunity to give up my career before it started.

Then there’s Steve Wariner singing “A Woman Loves”:
“A woman loves beyond her questions
And dreams beyond her doubts
Her heart will lead and she will follow
Even when there’s no way out
Her eyes refuse to see the danger
As she walks right through the fire
A man may give himself to passion & desire
But a woman loves…”

A fairly positive refrain to a very negative situation where a woman puts up with abuse (cheating, apparently). Is that our destiny, to love a partner who doesn’t deserve it, isn’t worthy? Is it better to have loved a loser, than never to have loved at all?